Sunday, January 14, 2007

I met a Time Lord

I hurt my right shoulder about three years ago on a rowing machine. It bothers me when I swim and do certain weight training machines, but most of the time I leave it as it is. I have been to a chiropractor, recommended by B, to have it looked at. This guy, and his colleagues at this practice, are all fully trained and certified chiropractors and structural therapists but they are slaaaaaaiiiiiiiightly unconventional. Bit more “holistic”, would be the adjective for it.

Anyway, each time I went to see him, either for my knee pain or for my shoulder problem, he’s been pretty helpful. Recently all this tennis has left my shoulder hurting again so I went to see him yesterday.

I walked in, he sat me down, asked me what the problem was, and stared at my file for what seemed like an unnecessarily long period of time. From what I can see, it wasn’t like a case chart or anything, just information about when I last visited and what I had visited for. Then, he sat behind me, put one hand on my shoulder, and started doing this flicking motion with the thumb and middle finger of his free hand, head down, all the while muttering something under his breath. I have no idea what the hell was going on. But I am open-minded, I trust him and I have a lot of respect for the guy. After a minute or so of this, he said:

“Did something very upsetting happen to you when you were eighteen?”

“Er…..(... eighteen… where the hell was I when I was eighteen?)… don’t think so.”

“Are you sure? You don’t have to tell me what it is.”

“……(wrecking my brains now… )…. Er…. Yes I’m pretty sure.”

“Okay” he said, and down goes his head again, and that flicking of the fingers business resumed. Another minute later. “How about when you were twenty-three?”

I searched my hard drive but nothing significant popped up. Well something significant did happen which affected me a lot but it wasn’t exactly very upsetting, so, ever so eager to please, I said, “yes, I can think of something”.

“Good. Now think about this thing that occurred when you were twenty-three. Can you do that for me?”

“Sure.” And he resumed the weird flicking shit again. Another minute passed by.

“Okay, try to move your arm now. How is it?”

“…. Er…. Pretty much the same as before.”

“Are you sure?”

“… Er… yeah…. Well maybe it is slightly better.” I feel like I’m letting him down. I wasn’t exactly lying, it did feel slightly better. Still, this does not feel right. Has he gone bonkers since the last time I saw him?

I finally gathered up the courage to ask: “May I ask what are you doing?”

“I will explain in a minute. Lie down here face up please.”

He said “There is nothing physically wrong with your shoulder.”

“There isn’t????????”

“You have physical pain, but it stems from an emotional problem. Something emotionally traumatic happened when you were three months in your mother’s womb, or at age eighteen, or when you were twenty-three. It is deep sadness that is manifesting itself through your shoulder pain.”

I didn’t know what to think. But I knew I wanted to say “what the fuck?”

Anyhow, the treatment continued, with a bit of conventional chiropracting manipulation on my right arm, and a lot more weird shit.

For instance, he asked me if a cat once died on me (I said no, and I wanted to tell him I dreamt that I ate a cat alive once, but held my tongue… didn’t want him to think I’m as insane as he is). He said my relationship with my dad is not great. Then he said I suffer from a herpes virus. Which is true, because I get cold sores sometimes. At this point he said he will get rid of this virus for me. He bent down and reached for a book from the shelf, and starting flipping through the pages. Was he going to prescribe something? A few drops of holistically flavoured water or powdered herbal remedy?

No. He announced the name of this “virus”, then resumed the flicking and muttering business. “This is going to be a bit strange, it is like quantum physics. I’m going to remove this virus now. Yeah?” Yeah. No shit.

“You have a disgestion problem…. In your rectum…”

“I do?”

“How many meals do you have a day?”

“…um… anything between three to six…”

“How many bowel movements do you have a day?”

“Well at least one, sometimes two…”

“You are constipated.”

“I am?”

“Yes. If you have three meals, you should go five times. If you have six meals, you should go six times.”

Anyway, he did some more weird shit, which was borderline conjuring, I thought. He asked me to raise my arm and he used one finger to push against it. He asked me to resist his finger’s push, and then he would ask “Is your name Pierre?” and my arm would stay up. Then he asked “Is your name Britney Spears?” and it would flop down immediately. Okay so he has some kind of human quantum physics lie detector thing going on. But what has this got to do with my herpes virus? Or my right shoulder?

“Herpes virus gone” Arm stays up.

“Now, I will rewind the time, to two hours ago, before you came in here. Herpes virus gone” Arm flops down.

Rewinding the time? Is he a timelord? Like Doctor Who?

Anyway, what can I say. My shoulder is better than before I saw him. But now I understand there is a reason why most people go to conventional chiropractors and physiotherapists. Amen.

Rewinding the time? Is he a timelord? Like Doctor Who?

Anyway, what can I say. My shoulder is better than before I saw him. But now I understand there is a reason why most people go to conventional chiropractors and physiotherapists. Amen.

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