Grim thoughts

I'm re-reading Alasdair Gray's Lanark at the moment. The main character, Duncan Thaw, was growing up not knowing how to be happy and he was searching for “the key”. The key to solve all this problems, to make all the unhappiness and frustrations in his life go away. I remember having gone through a vaguely similar phase as a child. My vision of the key, back then, was the death of my mother. During moments of suffocating darkness I would tell myself, all this would go away if she is dead. The ironic truth is, of course, she died, and I missed her terribly. Life became sort of better in one way but much worse in all others.

As I read Thaw's story, I thought to myself, dear God, please don't let my death becomes the key to my children’s happiness.