There are two computer labs on my floor for students' use. Today as I walked past I saw a huge fat furry blob on top of a cardboard box in one of these labs. I went in to investigate. In the room was me, the fat blob, and a student who was just switching the computer on.

The blob was a cat. A grossly overweight filthy fat cat.

I asked the student


"Did you bring it in here?"

I must have used my parent in disciplinary mode voice cos she was taken aback and said, trembling:

"....eh... no... it was already here when I came.... came in..."

She might have been trembling from the cold cos the "heat" button on the central heating control panel is only for show, I think. Cos there was no fucking heat in that room that's for sure.

I went over to the cat, and said to it very sternly "get OUT!"

No response. It opened one eye briefly, then closed it again.

Then I whacked my hand hard on the surface it was resting.

Nothing.

Then I whacked it several times, HARD, with my bag (which contains a hardback book about three inches thick".

Not a flipping fing.

It Will Not Be Moved.

And so I proceeded to do what any responsible employee would do. I called facilities mangement department and alerted them to the situation:

"Hello? Yes. This is Pierre. There is a fat cat in one of the computer labs on my floor."

"A fat cat? Fat Cat, you mean?"

"??????huh? I baking powder??"

"Is the cat, Fat Cat?"

"It is a fat cat, that's for sure.... please send someone to get rid of it cos I don't want it pissing anywhere near my office nor rumaging through the bin in the pantry. It's bad enough having student stealing our distilled water you know (note 1)."

"okokoko...rightaway..."

Two hours later, I re-emerged from my room to go for a pee, and so passed the computer lab again.

And the fat cat was still there in the exact same bloody spot! I couldn't believe it! By now the room was full of students. They all seemed oblivious to the filthy overweight blob.

I called facilities management again. They said they DID send someone to physically remove the creature. But it must have gotten back again!

"Well Fat Cat has been around and it knows how to take the lifts."

"WHAT???"

"Yes. heheheh... anyway we will send someone to remove it again. But it is cold out there, you know, no wonder it wants to stay in."

"But it's not warm in the lab either!"

"Well, it's warmer than outside."

Not really in the mood to start a whole new argument about why there is no heating in the whole fucking building when there is clearly a "HEAT" button on every air-conditioning panel, I let it go.

"....okay okay... I guess..."